Maybe you’re like me. Maybe every day in some way you feel like a newly fallen turnip. A rookie. A beginner. A little wet behind the ears. When I had a baby, I glanced over my shoulder to discover regurgitated breast milk dripping down my back. That’s when everything — not just motherhood — seemed a little more important. A little more up in a ponytail. A little more up in the air.

Posts Tagged "Thing Two"

Jack-O-Yanterns Trump Yightning

Halloween is not Drew’s favorite holiday. I dropped him off at school yesterday and he would barely sit on the steps with his costume-wearing classmates, much less wear a costume on his own. For weeks people have been asking who he is going as for Halloween, and for weeks he has been saying “Yightning” —…   read more

Franken-Thing Two and Other Bad Costumes.

Once, and I’m not particularly proud of this, Gordon and I went as Adam and Eve to a corporate Halloween party in downtown Fort Worth. Our costume looked something like this: I don’t know whose idea this costume was, and my most distinct memory is how far below his actual nipples Gordon’s painted-on-polyester nipples were….   read more

Unlucky Strike: The Aftermath of Bowling and Frivolity

Sometime today, maybe it was when I was wiping Drew’s poopy man-bottom or folding my eighth tiny pair of tights, that I had a horrible fantasy of being cancer-ridden. I think it’s probably the blackest and most demonic thing in the world to fantasize about. On the surface it’s not as insidious as daydreaming about…   read more

Gnaw-able Headware and Cake Prudery: Thing Two Turns One

I mentioned in a post last week that Madeline has Lauren Hutton teeth. I think this picture from her birthday party proves my point: What can I say? She’s a supermodel in the making. And if she keeps her pudgy figure and her patchy hair and never grows another tooth, she’ll still be the most…   read more

Being Sadistic. (In The Very Best Sense of the Word)

Most mothers will tell you they hate it when their babies cry. Then again, most mothers are the type who buy Snuggies, so do with that what you will. I don’t hate the first (FEW) moments of an outburst at all, in fact — and this is just between you and me — there’s a…   read more

Of Seagulls, Liquor and Lauren Hutton: A Beach Remembrance

Last week was our first-ever bona fide family vacation. We went to Destin, FL with my in-laws, my sister-in-law and her hubby, and their 6-month-old baby girl. Gordon and I had been excited for months, but of course Things One and Two didn’t know what to expect, or what hit them when we finally arrived….   read more

Make It Don’t Stop

In the spirit of the snow day yesterday, Madeline had her first beauty treatment. I had come to the end of all possible Fancy Makeup permutations for myself and given she was the second-closest female, Thing Two bore the brunt of my boredom. The issue: cradle cap. You may think that sounds like a meeker…   read more

I Don’t Want To Teach Them This

I am angry the first week in January when I visit the gym. Bothered. Here are all these new strangers on the machines, in new workout gear, fresh hangs of holiday flesh bulging in the Spandex unapologetically, and their faces sporting smug looks of cool determination as they monopolize the elliptical machines. MY elliptical machine,…   read more

Anxiety. So Hot Right Now.

I heard a very interesting news report on the radio the other day. The gist of it was: “Hey, remember that big story a year or so ago about the rise of West Nile Virus? Remember it? Yea, well, we really don’t see much of that virus any more.” Which is a bizarre thing to…   read more

On Sleep Training and Kung Pao

After last week’s entry, I think a lot of you must have prayed that Thing Two would start sleeping through the night because that very night she went 8 hours. Eight hours! It was as if the Holy Spirit had convicted her of sin — not honoring her mother and father — and she responded…   read more