Last week Gordon and I were on the couch playing with Madeline when she started wiping my nose with a balled up Kleenex. She was precisely dabbing each nostril like she was British, or like I was British, or like we both were British. “She’s so motherly,” remarked Gordon. “She must have gotten that from…   read more

You might not have had time yet to deck the halls or go wassailing or perform some other vague Christmasism, but surely you’ve noticed that Thanksgiving, our culture’s speed bump on the road to Santa, seems tiny in the rearview. So pack up the sleigh with a sugarplum or two, and prance on down to…   read more

I think it’s hilarious how toddlers think they control their dominion. Or think that they should. I mean, talk about DRAMA when Thing Two can’t quite get the tip of the bottle inserted into Baby’s mouth — we’re talking epic. Or when she’s having trouble finding the precise corner of her deteriorating blanket to suck…   read more

Sometimes I think Thing Two believes I am incompetent. She already has the most beautiful little face with the most beautiful arched eyebrows, and boy howdy, do they arch. She gives me these looks that say, “Are you sure that’s the best way to crack an egg? Is there a reason for that particular headband?…   read more

Halloween is not Drew’s favorite holiday. I dropped him off at school yesterday and he would barely sit on the steps with his costume-wearing classmates, much less wear a costume on his own. For weeks people have been asking who he is going as for Halloween, and for weeks he has been saying “Yightning” —…   read more

Once, and I’m not particularly proud of this, Gordon and I went as Adam and Eve to a corporate Halloween party in downtown Fort Worth. Our costume looked something like this: I don’t know whose idea this costume was, and my most distinct memory is how far below his actual nipples Gordon’s painted-on-polyester nipples were….   read more

Sometime today, maybe it was when I was wiping Drew’s poopy man-bottom or folding my eighth tiny pair of tights, that I had a horrible fantasy of being cancer-ridden. I think it’s probably the blackest and most demonic thing in the world to fantasize about. On the surface it’s not as insidious as daydreaming about…   read more

I mentioned in a post last week that Madeline has Lauren Hutton teeth. I think this picture from her birthday party proves my point: What can I say? She’s a supermodel in the making. And if she keeps her pudgy figure and her patchy hair and never grows another tooth, she’ll still be the most…   read more

Most mothers will tell you they hate it when their babies cry. Then again, most mothers are the type who buy Snuggies, so do with that what you will. I don’t hate the first (FEW) moments of an outburst at all, in fact — and this is just between you and me — there’s a…   read more

Last week was our first-ever bona fide family vacation. We went to Destin, FL with my in-laws, my sister-in-law and her hubby, and their 6-month-old baby girl. Gordon and I had been excited for months, but of course Things One and Two didn’t know what to expect, or what hit them when we finally arrived….   read more