Maybe you’re like me. Maybe every day in some way you feel like a newly fallen turnip. A rookie. A beginner. A little wet behind the ears. When I had a baby, I glanced over my shoulder to discover regurgitated breast milk dripping down my back. That’s when everything — not just motherhood — seemed a little more important. A little more up in a ponytail. A little more up in the air.

Posts Tagged "terror"

Suppository Avoidance and The Big Braum’s Tease

Sometimes medical professionals have a hard time diagnosing me. It’s not that I’m made of steel or that I am from the planet Tatween; it’s that I’m somewhat of a hypochondriac plus there was that time I drank the tiger blood. My heart arrhythmia from college was first thought to be caffeine-related, then due to…   read more

A Big Boy Day Freebee and Why I (And You) Will Never Be a World-Class Mother

In his book The Talent Code, author Daniel Coyle reiterates an idea I’ve heard before in discussions of skill development: that any expert in a particular field has repeated their skill, “practiced,” at least 10,000 times. 10,000. It’s the magic number, provided you are practicing well. My voice teacher introduced me to this concept. He…   read more

Things of Steel: Cars, Trains, Bladders, and Resolve

You may think I’m prone to exaggeration, but I’m going to go ahead and prop up my stereotype by saying that after this weekend, I’m convinced there is no more tortured soul than my Thing One. Drew has the market cornered on preschool-variety angst. We Might Have Provoked It. OK, we probably did. Actually, there’s…   read more

Cold-Turkey: My Angst-y Approach to Potty Training

In a moment of reckless hubris, I announced to the world that Drew would be potty trained by July 7, 2011. In retrospect it was a little reminiscent of Harold Camping, the end-of-the-world prophet who predicted the apocalypse last month. Who was I to say the end of diapers is near? Gordon pulled out his…   read more

Somebody Please Bitch-slap Me With a Fish

Drew loves watching the Veggie Tales Jonah movie, and I love it because it tells the biblical account in a fun way for kids and adults alike. For instance, Jonah’s camel wears a tiny monacle, which just kills me. And instead of rampant sodomy, the Ninevites are guilty of slapping of one another randomly with…   read more

Anxiety. So Hot Right Now.

I heard a very interesting news report on the radio the other day. The gist of it was: “Hey, remember that big story a year or so ago about the rise of West Nile Virus? Remember it? Yea, well, we really don’t see much of that virus any more.” Which is a bizarre thing to…   read more

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to Some Pork Medallions

Act I: “See you at nine,” said Gordon, grabbing his keys and heading for the door. He was going to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) Monday night, as usual. I was late making dinner and was just firing up the wok; he would have to eat when he got back. “Are you sure you shouldn’t call…   read more

Rachael Zoe, My Halloween Spider

Doesn’t this weather just make you want to cry salty tears of joy? To quote Rachel Zoe, “I die!” I DIE! Love, love, love me some 70-degree breezes, and that melancholy fall sunlight that suddenly reminds you to visit a pumpkin patch and dig your corduroys out of the cedar closet. We can breathe, finally….   read more

Your First Postnatal Gyno Visit: 7 Things You Need to Know

If there’s anything that improves with pregnancy, it’s the sense of smell. But if there’s anything that improves with delivering a baby, it’s the sense of hearing. I’ve actually awakened seconds BEFORE my babies started crying in the night, so acute were my ears. Which means by the time you’ve been discharged from the hospital…   read more

How Target Sort-of-Almost Killed Thing Two

I don’t know what your level of education is, but I imagine you don’t have a lot of trouble conjugating English verbs. Good for you. As for me, when it comes to talking to Madeline, my grammar goes the way of the dinosaurs and Paula Abdul’s career. I actually caught myself saying this yesterday: “ARE…   read more