Maybe you’re like me. Maybe every day in some way you feel like a newly fallen turnip. A rookie. A beginner. A little wet behind the ears. When I had a baby, I glanced over my shoulder to discover regurgitated breast milk dripping down my back. That’s when everything — not just motherhood — seemed a little more important. A little more up in a ponytail. A little more up in the air.

Posts Tagged "guilt"

Hello, My Name Is (sort of complicated)

I drove my little self over to the neighborhood elementary school today and wrote Drew’s name down on a sheet of paper. The paper said, “I want my boy to be in Kindergarten here,” but with a lot more words, and then with the Spanish translation of the words. I wrote his name down approximately…   read more

Thin Cuss or Regular?

I always wondered when Drew would utter his first cuss word. Perhaps he would be a teenager breaking off his side mirror at a drive-through while buying hamburgers for a homeless child. Or maybe he would be a young, responsible adult burning his finger on a hot skillet while making bacon for me. Anything done…   read more

What’s in A (Nick) Name? I Shudder to Think…

There was a time when I thought nicknames were limited to “Honey,” “Darlin’” (no g, ever), and “Sugar.” Those were the ones I heard my grandparents use the most, and it was sort of lovely to be lumped in with all the other Darlin’s in the family — that no matter who you were, you…   read more

Shutting Down: When Mothering is Just Too Much

Have you ever completely shut down as a mother? I have. I’ve been doing it more and more these days. At the annual grandmother’s Halloween party this week, Drew flew off into a rage after missing the hayride. He had refused to go on the hayride, but the instant the big rubber wheels started rolling…   read more

Whine And Beer

Even a whole month after returning from Italy, Drew will whisper to me, “Mister Mommy, I missed you so much in Italy.” He says this at night when Gordon is reading to Madeline as I recline on the floor of her room. Drew sprawls out across my chest, pinching the loose skin on my slack…   read more

Leaving The Things: Italy

When you read this, I will be in Italy. It sounds so strange to say, “I will be in Italy” because I’ve never said “I will be on the moon” before and yet, they both feel like the same thing. My in-laws (God love-em) are keeping Both Things for the 10 days we are gone,…   read more

A Close Shave

Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in Drew’s psychology, moods, preferences, needs and exclamations, that it’s almost like he is my one and only child and Madeline is more of a pet schnauzer. Sure, she might wail and stomp her itsy bitsy feet or give me an eternal, transcendent look, but her general presence feels…   read more

Fail Safe and Sound

Drew has started implementing safety standards for his own obedience. If he is about to spill his milk, again, on purpose, and he knows it — he can feel the drumbeat of compulsion rushing through his veins — he hands me his glass and says, “Here, Mommy, I gonna spill dis.” Even if it has…   read more

My Double (Whammy) Life

I have been living a double life. For a week, I have left my children in the care of others in order to stab bobby pins through curls of hair, one after another, creating an auburn hat of monkey bread, and sucking the configuration up into a tight black wig cap. After this, a lady…   read more

The Sun’ll Come Out

Today we passed a police car and Drew informed me he would “yike” to drive it one day. I explained he would have to become a police officer first, and he paused for a moment before replying, “Yes, I will be that.” Police Officer is about the 39th profession Drew has agreed to adopt in…   read more